Three Thieves
This is mostly true. I typed it out just for you.
Hank and Fred were brothers and crooks too. They learned thieving from their dear old dad who was a permanent resident at the iron-bar motel. They had a buddy from school, Red Dick, a younger kid who hung around with them. They didn’t kill people or commit armed robberies but were mostly content with car theft and shoplifting. They fenced their ill-gotten gains at a flea market and didn’t make much in the way of money. But the boys had a good time boasting and daring each other to do this or that.
One day, when they couldn’t find anything to boost, the lads went for a stroll in the park. Spying a bird sitting in her nest high up in a tree, Hank asked his buddies if they thought it possible that one of them could climb up and snatch the eggs out from under the fowl without her even noticing. No sooner dared than done: Fred, nimble as a cat climbed the tree, crept under the nest, and, then, bored a hole in its bottom so that one egg after another dropped down into his hand. Fred, then, said: “I bet you can’t sneak up there and slide the eggs back into the nest without the bird noticing.” So Hank climbed the tree with Fred right behind him. As Hank was slipping the eggs back under the fowl, Fred slowly pulled Hanks’ pants down to his ankles. Hank had a bare ass before he knew what was happening, reached down to cover himself, and dropped right out of the tree. They all had a good laugh and agreed that Fred ruled when it came to pranks of this sort. Red Dick said: “I can see that I’m not in your league and, if I stay with you guys, I’ll end up the hoosegow or worse.” So Red Dick went on his way, straightened himself out, and, even got married. He kept his nose clean and stayed out of trouble.
Late in the season, Dick went to the grocery and bought himself a fine, fat turkey for Thanksgiving. That same day, Fred and Hank stole a motorcycle and tooled over the Dick’s house on the purloined scooter. Pulling up to Dick’s place, the boys asked how he was doing. They saw Red Dick unloading the fat bird from his car and licked their lips. After the two thieves said goodbye, Dick put the turkey in the refrigerator to thaw. A little later, when it was time for bed, Dick began to fret about his bird. “They’re up to no good,” Dick told his wife. It was cold outside and Dick said that he was going to hide the turkey in a snowdrift next to his back door.
In the middle of the night, the crooks slipped through a hole in Dick’s fence and crept into his house. They looked in his fridge but didn’t see the turkey thawing there. Dick heard the thieves tiptoeing around the house and got out of bed to look for them. Hank went around the side of the house and found the front door open. He slipped into Dick’s bedroom and, pawing the Mrs. where she lay, whispered: “Woman, the turkey wasn’t in the fridge.” She pushed his hand off her ass and said: “Why are you talking nonsense? You know as well as I do that you hid the turkey out in the snowbank.” “You’re right,” Hank said, imitating Dick’s voice as best he could: “I guess I’m half asleep.” Then, he slipped out of the room, went outside, and dug the turkey out of the drifted snow.
Hank was supposed to meet Fred in a grove of trees a few blocks away. It was very dark. Dick patrolled the house and, then, went into the backyard where he found that his turkey was gone. “Those jail-birds have stolen our bird,” he told his wife.
Out in the woods with his prize, Hank was wading through the deep snow. Dick followed his tracks and caught up with him in the dark woods. Dick saw that Hank was all alone and, so, he murmured to him: “Bro, that bird looks heavy. Let me carry it for you awhile.” Hank thought it was his brother, Fred, and so he handed the bird to the shadowy figure and, then, hurried along ahead to light a bonfire so they could roast the fowl. Fred was lost, wandering around in the woods, but then he saw the fire roaring among the trees and stumbled toward it. With eyes as big as saucers, he saw Hank feeding twigs and branches to the fire but without anything to cook.
Back at Dick’s house, husband and wife were both wide awake, tending to an open fire on the hearth under their chimney. They had cut the turkey into quarters and were cooking it in a kettle over the flames. Dick said: “I’m pretty hungry and we had better eat this right away. Otherwise, they’ll snatch the food right out of our mouths.”
Dick told the woman to watch over their turkey. Then, he crawled into a corner to rest his eyes. Soon, he began to snore and dream. While he was twitching in his sleep, Dick’s wife looked over at him and didn’t see a long sharp fork slowly appear in the chimney flue above the kettle where the bird was cooking. The fork poked into the tender meat and a quarter of the turkey vanished up the chimney. Dick continued to grumble and growl and wince as he dreamed and his wife turned to look at him again just as the fork stabbed down into the kettle for a second and, then, a third and fourth time. After a while, Dick’s wife said: “Wake up. It’s time to eat.” But when she looked into the kettle it was empty. Dick said that his wife had been careless and let the thieves steal their turkey; his wife replied that he should never have left her side and fallen asleep. As they were quarreling and close to blows, Hank and Fred popped through the door carrying the roast turkey. “It’s too much for the two of us,” Hank said. “Let’s have a feast,” Fred added. So the table was set and Dick brought out a case of beer and they ate and drank until it was dawn. Then, the seven o’clock whistle sounded at the plant and the sickle moon slipped below the rooftops and the dogs all howled with the whistle calling honest laborers to work. Hank and Fred were drunk and passed-out on the sofa when the cops showed up at the door. The stolen motorcycle was parked outside at the curb and had led the police to the home. Fred and Hank were handcuffed and taken to the county jail and they are now living with their dad at the expense of the State if I am not mistaken.
After Hebel.
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